Issue My Dyson Exposed Me To Blockheads

As told by Michael Wood

Amazing Paranoid Fantasy Column: #3

During half time of the England 2 Switzerland 1 game last night my Dyson coughed and spluttered and broken and this was a very bad thing.

I need my Dyson, my blender, my copy of The Magnetic Fields’ Distortion to blank out the sound of punditry and as I dug into the easily disassembled – and fortunately re-assembled – workings of Sir James‘s first brainchild I was forced to listen to the ramblings of a BBC studio.

No let me clarify this point. I’m not anti-opinion per se – I have no axe to grind in general terms with anyone who puts up new thought to be debated and applaud them for doing it – but the three not at all wise men of English football coverage – Alan Hansen, Alan Shearer and Ian Wright – make me wonder why anyone pays them for their comments and considering the licence fee means that I pay them for their comments I’ve got a right to wonder.

It is not Shearer’s statements of the bleeding obvious or Hansen’s dour delivery – the man could tell you that Scarlett Johansson was keen, eager even, to meet you for a “casual thing” and you would be depressed by his monotones – although neither fill me with joy but it is the blindingly inappropriate presence of Wright in recent years that tipped me over and set me to hoovering.

It seems to strike no one as wrong that Wright – a man with little or no TV craft – is allowed to pass comment on the performance of the Davids Beckham and Bentley regardless of the fact that when they perform they keep his son out of the team.

It has all the sophistication and balance of one of those mascot children at Valley Parade who when asked the score of the impending game state that it will probably be fourteen nil to City with Omar Daley getting nine of them. Only on television and passed off as intelligent, balanced comment.

On a more serious note whatever Wright’s railing against Sven Goran Eriksson did to effect the hearts and minds of a public who now – on seeing his superb performance with Manchester City are really rather wishing we had not allowed how much sex the gaffer has to effect his fitness for England’s top job – seemed to come entirely from his frustrations that eager young Shaun could never get in the side over the most gifted footballer of his generation and was then ignored again when some bloke from Leeds who offered similar skills got the nod. Worth thinking about if you believe that ridding ourselves of Sven in exchange for Steve is why we are sitting on our hands next summer.

It is doublethink and it is uncommented on perhaps because it is nothing next to the confusing ramblings of Mark Lawrenson who last night waxed lyrical about David Bentley’s ability to play a pass of vintage Beckham ability. Beckham vintage 2007 that it. Oh those halcyon days when Beckham could float the ball around the field all of – what is it, eleven weeks ago?

I mused on how the coverage of the game assumed the Swiss were walkovers while gleefully pointing out that we had not qualified and they had and did rather well in the last World Cup. As the hoover spluttered back to life my mind crystallised the thought that Orwell would be amazed by his foresight should he have watched coverage of an England match and that Dyson could have the strapline “Our vacuum cleaners drown out even the biggest blockheads.